Quirks

I like people’s quirks. It’s the quirks, not the perfects, that make us who we are. The perfects are boring. The quirkies are alive, human, and fun. Yes, we need to embrace our differences, our human faults and follies, because those are the fun parts of us.

But then there are those who have too many oddities and too many difficulties and dysfunctions. What to do with those? As we get older we are better at discerning what we want and need in our lives from those around us. We need those that love us, respect us, and want to be good friends. If someone is being a vampirical energy-sucker, a meanie, or a crazy (and not in a good way), then we need to cut them off before they render us dry and energy-less. Bye bye. Sayonara. Auf weidersehen. Adieu.

It has gotten easier to get rid of dead weight lately.

So we need to learn to embrace our differences, but not let anyone abuse the privilege of being your friend. Just saying. 

Sorry it's been a while. I haven't been busy. Not more than usual. It's been a weird time. A time of introspection and re-evaluation. That wasn't the weird part. The weird part was what was going through my head, and what was happening outside of my head, in the world. Things have happened this summer and fall of momentous proportions, but not in a happy way. I have to sit with it and let my soul digest what's happened. But that's for another blog posting. See you on the picnic blanket. Ta.

It's been a while

Hello lovely friends near and far. Please have a seat on my blanket, have some bread and cheese, pour yourself a glass of Prosecco and tell me how you have been.
It is Prosecco time here Brooklyn: the weather is warm and muggy, summer is around the corner. Blanket time. Picnic time. This gladdens me!!
I have yet to organize our first, real outdoors picnic, and it is just a matter of time...
My Bikram yoga stint really got me on track in my head, and I am forever grateful for that introductory offer they had. I can't afford it at the moment so I will have to do a lot of walking to get my weekly dose of exercise and endorphins. (Too bad I am not fond of jogging -- I really hate it to be honest.)

My rent just increased, so I will have to be a massage therapist, dance teacher, dancer, performer, cafe worker, mommy, therapist, cook, scheduler, organizer, bad dream dispeller, night watcher, sociology student, writer etc. a little bit more and a little bit mo' bettah from now on.

Well, it was nice of you to pop on my. Thank you so much for reading. I will write again soon! Toodles, my friends.

PS. What you see below in the photo is my picnic rug.

Yoga and chocolate

Helloooo - Brrrrrrr..... It's gotten a wee bit chilly in New York at the moment. Tonight it will go back down to freezing. :( So much for optimistically putting away my wintercoats during our little warm spell the last two weeks. Let's picnic indoors today, since the frost advisory makes it conducive to being snuggled up in blankets and warm socks, and holding a hot cup of tea. 

I haven't stopped eating since I got back home from yoga today. The coldness in my apartment does a number on me, and I need to ingest hot dishes all the time (currently eating a bowl of vegetable kurma over rice). But the yoga also does a number on me, I suspect. I need carbs injected straight into my bloodvessels! Rice, pasta, bread... and of course dark CHOCOLATE!!!! Apart from the fact that no one should really live their lives without chocolate, it gets even more essentially important after yoga! Today I ran to the food coop right after yoga and bought a bar of Chocolove XOXOX, and now it's all gone... ;-)

I have to return to the ladies in the locker room from the other day. They are the best. The younger ones are ok, but the more mature crowd rocks the Bikram Yoga place bigtime!! When I mentioned I had been feeling a bit nauseous at the peak of the class, one of the ladies told me to squeeze my buttcheeks together and the nausea will go away! I haven't had a chance to try this new little trick out yet, but I can't wait to see if it'll work!! Advice from yogi in the locker room - priceless! 

Ok, where I am in this yoga challenge? What day am I on? Let's see...? 

I went back to Bikram successfully on Friday. Day 14 was Saturday. I was so exhausted that evening, and went to bed at 10.30pm. Yeah, I'm a regular party girl!

I had to skip a day on Sunday morning unfortunately. My little girl's best best best friend in the whole world (they are getting married, I hear!) had a sleepover at our house. Between making myself happy and making my daughter happy, I choose her happiness - I just couldn't tell them: "No sleepovers for the next two weeks while mommy finishes her yoga challenge". 

Since I have made a commitment to my own happiness on a daily basis however, whether it be yoga, chocolate (both, please!), music, theatre, dance, a good book, or something else sweet for the soul, we went to see a performance at the West End Theatre on Sunday afternoon. Me and my girls got on the subway and headed uptown for Shigeko Suga's "Baudelaire: La Mort". Even little people need sweet things for their souls, and my little people loved the show. My littlest person had a paper and a pen at hand during the performance, and frequently dove down to her paper to write down little snippets of Baudelairian poetry her ear caught.

And now we are at Monday Day 15. Although it is not technically a Challenge anymore since I can't seem to do all the days in consecutive order (such is the plight of single mommyhood!), I still have an urge to number the days I attend yoga, for me. So that is what I will continue to do until I reach Day 30!

Stay warm, my friends! Much (choco)love to you all, and see you again back at the picnic spot.

Back to Bikram success!

Hellooo, on this very beautiful spring day in New York City. The temperature reached a high of 75 today, and there was a lovely breeze in the air which reminded me of Hawai'i. Aahhh.... (sigh). 

BACK TO BIKRAM SUCCESS!! Wooohooooo! 

In early March I started a 30 Day Yoga Challenge. I completed 12 days straight of Bikram Yoga, having never done it before! During my family's stay with me this past week I ordered myself a break from the challenge, only to continue it when I had the chance again. Today was the day when I stepped back into that HOT HOT yoga room: Day 13!

(So what if the days aren't consecutive - I make up the rules in my own challenge!)

I have to admit it wasn't without difficulties coming back today. At the peak of physical exertion during the 90 minute class, what they call the mountaintop, I felt nauseous and needed to sit down and chill for a moment. Eeek. I'm so happy I didn't barf... 

I managed to stay with it, I breathed through it, and I laughed at it after the class with the ladies in the locker room. :)

The ladies in the locker room... well, they are in the classroom as well, but you're in your own meditative bubble of concentration during the 90 minute class, so its hard to see who's in class with you. But after class there is time to get to know some of the Bikram yoga practitioners. Some of these ladies are hard core!! Wow! They come everyday, sometimes they take double classes, back-to-back, sometimes they take a morning class and then come back for a night class. Wow wow!! They live and breathe this yoga. 

What I like about this studio - having not been to another Bikram Yoga studio so I really don't have anything to compare with - is that the teachers are very forgiving and careful and protective of their students' bodies in the class. Bikram Yoga can be very intense, and your body and mind needs to be in a loving and caring place so you feel safe to explore your limits on any given day, and not be judged when you feel weaker on another day. 

I am proud of myself for coming back to class today. Think of something you can be proud of today, something you did for you or someone else, something you said, something you thought, and simply who you are! We all have something we can be proud of. Reach in, grab it, lift it out and look at it, and let the sun shine on it. It's OK to be proud of yourself! 

Thanks for checking in, and come back soon again! Toodles, my friends!

Back to Bikram fail

Hellooo my friends, and welcome back to the picnic spot. I am doing something different today. Please join me at the table with a frozen Margarita. That's right my friends!

It feels decidedly strange to be having a frozen Margarita a few minutes past 12 noon, but apparently not strange enough for me to not have it!! It is 75 degrees Fahrenheit here in New York today so frozen drinks are back on the menu in March.

Today was the day when I packed my yoga bag, and full of anticipation, and a little dose of dread, I headed for hot yoga class to continue my self guided "Yoga Challenge 2012". Upon arrival at the studio they told us class is cancelled - the heat was not working.
Remember, half the battle is getting to class. I made it to class and I was ready.

But before the disappointment swelled over me completely, I decided to shake things up. So here I am eating a nice bean soup and having a frozen Margarita instead and blogging on my phone for the first time. Let's see how it turns out?

I have study materials and will practice some oli, or chants - quietly of course, so as not to be mistaken for a crazy lady. We will see if I can focus long enough to learn anything today.



Cheers, and see you again here at the lovely, and soon to very green, picnic spot.

DDK and Hula

Hello my fellow picnicers - YEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW! Today was one of the warmest day yet this year. It was the perfect day for a stroll in the Botanic Garden, so guess what we did today? We did just that. Me, the kiddos, and the visiting cousins took a stroll in the Botanic Garden under the springwarm sun and the clear blue skies. Aaaahhhh, spring. :) 

I haven't started my Day 13 in my 30 Day Yoga Challenge yet. My family leaves tomorrow morning (really early!) and I will get back to Hot Yoga again. 

But this is not about yoga. Today's posting is about hula. 

Yesterday I had the honor to dance for the Pan Asian Repertory Theatre's 35th Anniversary Gala Dinner at the Edison Ballroom in midtown, together with the wonderful guitarist Andy Wang. We were the intro number for Pan Asian Rep's Honoree, actor Daniel Dae Kim (LOST, Hawaii 5-0). It was a very special evening and I was very fortunate to share it with a lot of my friends from the Asian-American acting community whom I've met and worked with over the years. Amazing, wonderful, awesome people!

But most of all I was reminded how very grateful I am to be studying under my AWESOME 'kumu hula', or master hula teacher, Vicky Holt Takamine, who shared the beautiful mele, or song, we performed yesterday, in NYC a few years back. I completely fell in love with this mele, and  I had the opportunity to share it together with Andy with the Pan Asian 'ohana last night. I felt very blessed. Mahalo nui kumu, for the gift of dance! 

This photo is taken by a hurried Corky Lee, who was working his own professional camera and was nice enough to snap this for me - even though, eummmm, my face was cut in half... :) 

Goodnight and sleep tight my dears. I am jumping in to the couch, which is where I'm sleeping now. Don't worry, I haven't been bad. I am sleeping on the couch so that all my guests can fit in my apartment. Lately I have been living according to the Swedish saying: Finns the hjärterum, så finns det stjärterum. Loosely translated to: Where the is room for the heart, there is room for the bum/behind. So, International Hostel at the apartment is open for business between the hours of half past heart and quarter to tush. ;-)

Day 12 - family visitors

Hola everyone - today's posting is going to be a quickie, since it's already 2.30am. 

I completed Day 12 of my yoga challenge earlier in the day. It really was a great class today. I am feeling stronger. In 12 days I feel my core again: my physical core is strengthening, and I am feeling my emotional and mental core stir and awaken. 

When I tried some of the poses on my very first day of Bikram (having never taken Bikram yoga ever!) I thought "What the heck, I will never be able to do this!". Guess what? I can do those poses now! :)

My cousins from Japan are here now. They arrived this evening after a very long flight: my two cousins and one cousin-child whom I had never met before. It's so nice to see them all. 

I was debating with myself whether I should break my 30 Day Challenge during their visit. Will it really be a challenge if I disrupt it? Doesn't a challenge have to be so-and-so many days  of continuous, uninterrupted practice? Well, usually, yes. But I am not partaking in an official challenge. I'm not doing someone else's challenge. I'm doing MY personal challenge, where I make up the rules. If I say I can take a break, then by golly I can!

The reason, the main reason, I am doing my own little personal yoga challenge, is because of the happiness and wellbeing of my soul. Being with my family for four days that I don't get to see very often is also for the happiness and wellbeing of my soul. So there we have it. I will be back to continue Day 13 in a few days.

Check in again, my lovelies, and thanks for stopping by today. Namaste and Oyasuminasai (sleep tight, in Japanese)

Day 11 - headache be gone!

Good evening my lovelies -- throw your bodies recklessly down on the blanket and listen to the wind. Have some wine, or green tea, or any beverage of your choice. Did you bring some for me? :)

Last night I was beyond exhausted, and couldn't think about what I had learned or experienced during yesterday's yoga session, except the fact that I had experienced extreme heat. As you might know I am on Day 11 of a self imposed 30 day yoga challenge. Yesterday's class was too hot, and I was ready to walk out of there. But I didn't. This morning I realized the lesson from yesterday's class was that we stay when things get tough and breathe through the difficulties (unless it is harmful to our health, of course) in life just as we have to breathe through the difficulties in in the microcosm that is the yoga studio. 

The idea is to stay with the group - that bunch of people you don't even know, you just happen to be taking a class together - breathe together, endure together, focus together. You get out of your own headspace and consider the group's energy and you stay with that energy. 

It was incredibly hard to do that yesterday, and I was pissed at the heat and the circumstances surrounding the excessive heat. But I stayed. 

Today was easier - still super hard, but easier. I felt strong, focused, able to stretch and use my muscles to the best of my ability, working through the heat and the sweat, working consciously and thoroughly with my muscles.

My headaches are gone!! At least for now. Who knows if I am just given a week's respite, or a month? But given the fact that I had had these headaches off and on since November, I feel very hopeful that somehow the energetic work of yoga and its de-stressing capabilities have balanced some of my body's energy pathways. Actually I had no idea if yoga was going to work for the headahces when I started. It seemed counterproductive to do hot yoga when combatting headaches. The heat and the physical exertion is dilating the bloodvessels in the head, which is also what happens when headaches come on. What you want to do is vasoconstrict, not vasodilate (constrict, not dilate the vessels). But, nevertheless, I have been headache free for a week!! I can only smile, and be grateful that my wild and from-the-gut strategy is working at the moment.

I still can't tell if the yoga is doing anything yet for my "adult onset ADHD", a.k.a. hormonal shift and lack of ability to concentrate, but only time will tell. 

That's why I keep on keeping on... On to Day 12. My cousins from Japan are coming in to town tomorrow night. They are staying for 4 nights here, and I am very much looking forward to seeing them and my cousin's teenage daughter whom I've never met before! It'll be a challenge to do the yoga sessions during their stay: they came all the way from Japan for 4 days, so I want to spend time with them. I have decided to take it day by day, and I will not be disappointed in myself if for I have to skip a day or two to be a good hostess. In that case, I am expecting to pick up my challenge where I left off - no worries! 

Toodles, my friends. Check in again soon. Namaste.

Day 10 - deader than dead

Hellooo - thank you for stopping by here on the picnic spot today. It'll be a very quick little sit-down today as I am feeling barely alive this evening. 

Despite the beautiful, happy-making 70 degree spring day we experienced today in New York it was a tough yoga day. The studio was hot hot HOT. It was very difficult to deal with the heat today, and I was about to walk out of class towards the end. It must have been 10 degrees hotter than usual, and my body felt so weak and not able to really muster the energy necessary to execute the movements properly. One guy rushed out of the studio, and I was sure he was gonna barf all over me as he ran out. 

I was not impressed by the circumstances surrounding the excessive heat... 

But I'm still here. Standing. Feeling exhausted. Dead. Deader than dead. 

There's no life lesson today. Nothing clever to say. No insight. No epiphany. No inspiration. Just pure and unadulterated exhaustion...

Goodnight, my dears. 

Day 9 - more inspiration

Toodles my lovelies -- welcome back to my picnic blanket. Please have a seat and a sip of Pinot Grigio. Yes, white wine since it's been unseasonably warm the last couple of days. Well, I'm not complaining one bit - I love the spring feeling that everyone seems to get in to when the weather changes for the warmer. 

I was so tired yesterday when I wrote my Day 8 blog posting that I forgot an amazing part of the class. Well, apart from the singing teacher who sang other-worldly notes and made me cry, which was also amazing! But another amazing thing was that there is this older gentleman who hobbles in to class on crutches every day, and he hobbles back out of class on crutches, but while in class he is KING! The teacher cracked a joke that soon enough Mr. S is going to levitate he's done so much yoga: he was on his 912th DAY of yoga!! That is 2 1/2 years of yoga!!! Absolutely AMAZING!

I am experiencing an increasing level of challenge in taking the time, and making the time, to get myself to class. With spring approaching things are getting busier, and I have to fight with myself to keep yoga in the schedule. A 90 minute class plus the obligatory shower after plus travel time makes it a 2.5 hr commitment out of my day. That a significant chunk of time that is hard to carve out of the day, and set aside. But I am also aware of the fact that this yoga challenge is a commitment to ME, to my health, and I need to take care of whatever is going on with my health now, at this very moment.

Not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. Now.

I am going to try to make this work! YES! 
Thank you for stopping by my little blog. Check in again to follow the continuation of my challenge.

Day 8 - classic projection

Hellooo - another beautiful 70 degree day in Brooklyn today. 

I am on Day 8 in my Bikram Yoga challenge, and today I was very angry in class. People around me annoyed me, they smelled, they stunk... Of course it wasn't their problem. I was the one with the problem. Classic "projection". 

Before getting to class I thought: "I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!I don't wanna go!..." 
But I went.

At the end of the class during our 2 minute restorative Savasana, or "dead body pose", the teacher suddenly sang a few reverberating, beautiful notes. The notes were of an un-earthly nature, beautiful and haunting. A big smile broke out across my face as I lay there on the floor, dead but alive. And then the tears came... 
Yup, that's the kind of day I had today. 


The litmus test to this yoga challenge thingy will be if I can focus better when I study from now on. 

I will put my feet up and celebrate my 8th day. Thank you for stopping by today! Namaste.

Day 7 - encouragement from unexpected places

Hellooo my fellow earthlings! Picnic time. Nice, warm, spring-like breezes have been sweeping in through my open window during the evening hours. This post will be a short one as I am more eager to go to bed somewhat on time.

I made a WEEK of Bikram Yoga! Woohoooo! I feel my body changing, my habits are changing, my preferences are changing, and all of it in a positive way. It feels EMPOWERING to be in control over something I can have control over, since my body's been totally out of control lately, what with weird symptoms and all (as described in my previous posts). 

I really was very close to throwing in the towel today on this Yoga Challenge business after class. I felt great as usual, but it was early, I was grumpy, and I felt that seven days in a row might just enough for me. When the teacher asked me if I wanted to upgrade my 1 week intro special to the 1 month intro special, I said "nyaaeeehhhh....". In other words, I was about to quit. Then I sat down and checked messages and saw an encouraging note from a friend I haven't seen or spoken to in years. She now lives across the pond in Europe. It was really wonderful to hear her thoughts on my yoga challenge, and it made me go and upgrade that intro-week to an intro-month. Everything happens for a reason, right? :)

Some of you have inboxed me with little encouraging messages about your own stories of overcoming your own selves, breaking to heal stronger, or commented little cheery greetings for me. None of them go unnoticed! I see them all, and I cherish them, and I cherish you. It is very heartwarming to see and hear some of you responding with "I have those thoughts too", "I've felt similarly", or "thank you for bringing this topic up". I want you to know how much those little messages mean to me - A LOT!!!!! 

Cheerio, my friends. Check in again, for the continuation of my Yoga Challenge. Day 8 tomorrow. 

Day 6 - yoga is my strategy

Hello - it's late, and we also lose an hour tonight. It's all for a good cause though - we're setting our clocks forward for daylight savings time again. Daylight savings means longer days and spring is officially knocking at our door. Smiles and Yays!

Last night I took and evening Bikram yoga class, and I was up at the crack of dawn and off to Day 6 of consecutive Bikram yoga classes. Besides the fact that it felt like I never left when I arrived this morning, I also had the very satisfying sensation of feeling stronger. Yes, you heard it: stronger! Maybe it's in my head (which is fine! Mind over matter, I say!!) or maybe I'm getting used to the heat and the exercises and postures, or maybe I really am getting stronger...

My seventh day will be tomorrow - I will have done a week of Bikram yoga. I feel very proud, especially since all the hormonal issues happening these last months of my life have rendered me plagued with headaches and unable to focus. It was the weirdest thing: I thought I was having some form of adult ADHD. I could not focus, concentrate, for a moment. All the studying I was trying to get done seemed like a gargantuan task, a paper took forever, reading a page could take a day. My brain just couldn't focus.

Very unnerving, as I've never had any trouble with my focus or concentration before. I've taken courses the last few years, and it's been fine. 

Once I realized that I am experiencing lowering levels of estrogen and am perimenopausal, I could deal with my symptoms and devise a strategy for coping. This is why I am immersing myself like this in a new system of practice for a period of time, yoga is my strategy. I feel so much better than a week ago!!

I will write again soon. Namaste.

Day 5 - little victory

Hi there my lovelies - plop yourself down on the picnic spot. I am already down in "dead body pose", and will probably stay there until tomorrow morning. I really feel broken down today, as I described yesterday and the day before (Day 3 and Day 4) here in my blog. 

In yoga class I tried to visualize everything breaking down, in order to heal back together stronger. I visualized both breaking the habits of my body and of my mind. I visualized my muscle fibers tearing to heal stronger and more elastic and pliable. I visualized all the cellular debris, metabolic waste and free radicals that were currently gunked up in various places in my body, breaking free and being flushed out with lymphatic fluid. I visualized myself healthy and symptom free. 

It was very hard to get myself to the Bikram yoga studio today. I was late, things were delayed, things went wrong, stops were missed in the subway due to spaced out brain... in other words, there were hurdles to jump over. I felt like a circus dog missing the mark all the time. But I finally got my behind to class two hours later than the time I had hoped for, after having come back home again in between...

Getting into to class finally, after jumping all those hoops, I felt I had won a small victory. I didn't stay home and decide not to go - I went to class a second time. I made it. 

I could brush my little victory off as if it meant nothing. But NO, I will celebrate that I made it. I had a little victory, and it is an important victory because it was a victory not over another person or persons. It was a little victory over myself! Hurrah for me!! :)

Om Mani Padme Hum. Behold the Jewel in the Lotus of your heart.

Day 4 - breaking my body, to heal stronger

Hellooo again my lovlies - time to plop yourself down on a cool blanket, as today's temperature reached the 70's I think. It was definitely T-shirt and light spring jacket weather. Aaahhh, so nice with a quick reminder of what's coming our way. 

Meanwhile, in a steaming hot room, I was sweating my arse off on Day 4 of my 30 Day yoga challenge. No headache today. Hurrah! We will see how far I can take this challenge. I will be non-judging, kind and generous to myself whatever happens...

In yesterday's blog posting I jokingly said that I was breaking my body. I thought about it for a while after, and realized that I am actually breaking habits AND my body - in a good way! The soreness I feel in every muscle in my body, is actually from little, tiny micro tears in the muscle cells. When we work our bodies, we rip tiny tears in the muscle fibers. As the tears heal, the muscle fiber, or muscle cell (same thing), will heal stronger. 

This is how we build strength. This is how we get stronger, by breaking first. It is a great image, a great metaphor to use for what's going on inside of us. It happens to us on an emotional and psychic level too: Break, to heal stronger. Break, to let the light in. 

The other day someone posted a beautiful picture on facebook, and the caption read "The wound is the place where the light enters you", and I thought I'd to share that picture here as it is very fitting for today's blog thought.

Toodles, my friends. Check in again, as I will report daily on my progress with my self-inflicted Challenge. 

Day 3 - breaking habits

Hi there and welcome back to the picnic spot. Pour yourself a nice cuppa green tea and have a seat on my fleece blanket. It's been a gorgeous day today - a true spring day.  

I had a revelation today when I was talking about my three days of yoga with another mom who had also had her first Bikram yoga experience not too long ago. I told her I was going every day for a reason: I was breaking habits. I said it just like that. Later I realized how true it is. 

I am breaking habits. 

Most moms are pretty excellent at multi-tasking when it comes to our kids. When my two kiddos were infants I breastfed while dealing with insurance companies on the phone; I brushed my teeth and pumped a bottle of breastmilk for my newborn at the same time; I'd hold the baby with one hand, fold the stroller with the other hand and carry the diaperbag and the shopping bags and pay the bus fare with the third hand; everyday I'd be a mommy, an actor, a maid, an educator, a planner, a wife, a cook etc etc. Nowadays I can supervise homework with two kids, make dinner, prep them for shower and bed, simultaneously, by myself.

When it comes to me, I do one thing at the time. For the last years I have been a student again, and I have as a result been somewhat sedentary compared to my prior more mobile lifestyle. I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable in my own skin, and wanted a change but couldn't make it happen somehow. I was stuck in a one-track existence. By breaking completely, by doing this 180 turn-around, I am finally breaking out of my ill-fitting, sedentary mold. I am breaking my self-inflicted habits. 

By breaking habits of the body (by breaking my body, or at least it feels like it right now!!), I am breaking mental habits as well - thinking habits, "being" habits, emotional habits, habitual habits... :) Our bodies house our spiritual and emotional properties. Our bodies house the luminescent spark of the Spirit that lives inside all of us. So it is important to continue to create good habits for our bodies, so we can honor everything that make up you and me. 

Today's yoga class was not quite as hard to endure as yesterday's class, but I still had a few moments of feeling lightheaded and nauseous. The heat and the poses can be very challenging. But I made it to class this morning despite my almost daily morning headaches - and as they say: making it to class is the hardest battle. 

IT FELT SO GREAT AFTER CLASS TODAY!! On to Day 4... Wooohoooo!

Day 2 - inspiration

Hello my friends - please have a seat on my blanket and let's talk about yoga, again.

Day 2. I slept 9 hours straight last night. I even overslept without noticing neither the alarm going off, nor somehow turning the alarm off. Getting out of bed was a sore and creaky affair. I woke up with a headache again. You know, this constant headache business is probably caused by perimenopause (when the estrogen level is sinking, but you haven't yet reached menopause). I shudder to say it, yet it feels good to get it out in the open. This is one of the reasons I needed to take on this yoga challenge: to combat the numerous symptoms of perimenopause - constant headaches being just one of them.

Having overslept, being headachy, and sore as hell, didn't stop me from going to Bikram yoga Day 2 (to a later class). This might have been the my saving grace for today. It happened to be C's 365th consecutive class at Bikram yoga!! I don't personally know C since it's only my second day at this studio, but C is a fabulous woman of a more mature stature, and we were all there for her today to celebrate her consecutive ONE YEAR of yoga!! This is an AMAZING feat for sure. We all have reasons why we can't go on a particular day, excuses abound why we shouldn't do it, but looking to C and her 365 days of yoga, you kinda just run out of excuses... 

I felt so inspired by C and her determination, stamina, focus and great attitude! I was also so inspired by the whole class, friends and strangers alike, rallying behind her and gathering all our strengths and energies to make it a great class for her, and for ourselves! We all stepped outside of our little selves for a moment to clap for her, cheer for her, and congratulate her. This made me happy that there was a concerted effort to make everyone part of a community. It is the first time I've felt this from the very beginning in a yoga studio. 

I wish I could tell you it was an easy class - as easy as my first class yesterday - but it wasn't. 2/3 of the way through I felt lightheaded and nauseous. I wanted to quit. I took a breather during 'camel pose', and then I kept going. I am very proud of myself. I finished Day 2. I am sore, tired, but ultimately I am happy.

Namaste.

Day 1 - looking for the core

Hellooo - Help yourself to some coconut water and find a space on my picnic blanket. I'm gonna stay away from the wine today. 

I started my Yoga Challenge TODAY despite going to bed with a headache last night, and waking up with the same headache this morning that didn't want to go away with a painkiller. I overcame my period, and the drudgery of getting started. I got my body to the yoga studio and took my very first Bikram Yoga class. I wrote yesterday that I needed a new challenge in my life, or my life needed a new challenge in me. Today I took the first step.

I walked away feeling so good after the 90 minutes of hot, hot yoga. My body was shaky from not having moved this way in a long time, and I felt light, limber and flexible. But one thing that I noticed is that I have lost my core strength since my early days as a modern dancer. Back then I had a sense of having a very strong core and mid-section, strong point of center of gravity in my body. It has since weakened through not paying enough attention to it when I dance hula and do my occasional exercises and go about my daily activities. It's not part of my daily existence anymore. I seek to find my core again during this challenge.

By intentionally strengthening my core muscles in the center of my body, I believe I will regain and strengthen the resolve of my spiritual and emotional core, my center, my soul. I believe that the fragment of the all-knowing, almighty Creator that lives in, and illuminates, everyone of us will come alive once more in me.

Check in again, as I will continue to write updates on my 30 Day Yoga Challenge, and further go into the reasons I think we need to challenge ourselves from time to time. 
Namaste.

a challenge

Hello lovely picnic'ers ~  Days are getting longer, lighter and springier. Clouds are fluffier and the sun is sunnier. This makes me happy... 
I thought my life needs a new challenge, the new year needs a challenge - so I am taking on one. I am going to take the 30 DayYoga Challenge!! 
Woohooo!

While I am in the Challenge I will talk about my impetus for this challenge, why I am doing it, and what in my life is prompting this challenge to occur, and what changes I am opening myself up to with this. It will definitely not be easy to go through with this on all levels, and just to start the discussion a little I will mention the most obvious: the kids. I asked them if it was OK if I did this challenge for 30 days? I told them, if mommy does this I will work around your schedule, but it means you have to come with me one day a week and wait for an hour. They said YES - I love my little munchkins so much! 


This is it - it's now out there. I HAVE to do it now that I have written about it. :) Check in daily as I will be updating you on my challenge. I miiight start tomorrow. Miiiight. (It is that time of the month, and I just have to see if I can possibly start tomorrow...)


I am very excited. Toodles, my lovlies. See you again soon. 

mermaids, oceans and grannies

Hello lovlies -- have a seat on my blanket. It's wet on the ground today... or so we pretend, because we all know we're inside on my livingroom floor. Our fluffy clouds are made of cardboard, the meadow set is painted, and the rainbow is a light projection. But we are having a good time anyway, because we are warm and snug as a bug in a rug. 

I have always been drawn to the ocean, but I am still a little bit of a landcrab (Swedish expression 'landkrabba', meaning someone who takes their time to enter water, especially when the water is coooold). I grew up in Malmö, a coastal town in southern Sweden, and spent every day by the beach during the summer months, reading, swimming, sunbathing, swimming, chatting with friends, swimming... all day long.

My name in latin means "of the sea" -- Marina. My western astrological sign is Virgo, and she is sometimes depicted with a mermaid's tail. I always wondered about that, for some reason, me being drawn to the ocean... Does that come from having my name, or did I get my name for a reason other than that my mom liked it and the fact that it was the name of a hit song in Europe when I was in her belly? 

The ocean waves have always soothed me. 

A while ago I happened upon the women of Jeju (Cheju, alt. sp.) Island while I was doing some general research on women and shamanism in Korea. The story of these ocean divers, these tough ladies, the haenyeo, spoke directly to my heart.  The other day I saw some photos from a photographic book written by Brenda Paik Sunoo depicting these beauties, and I was delighted that someone had taken the time and effort to document the lives of the haenyeo, the divers, in such a candid and beautiful way. 

Older women have always had a special place in my heart. I remember with fondness a very special trip to Ukraine with Yara Arts Group. We visited with the babushki, the grandmas, in the villages of Kriatchkivka (Poltava) and Svaritsevitchy (Polissia). We sang with them, we sang to them, they sang to us, we cried together, we told each other stories. The visits were so intense and so moving, it is actually hard to put those feelings and experiences down in writing. One day I will write them down, just not today... 

Older women remind me of my own Swedish grandma, whom I loved; who was so strong, so independent and stubborn, a tough cookie indeed. She passed away a few years ago. And they remind me of my Korean grandma, whom I never got to meet. She died when my mother was very young, and then her husband, my grandpa, died shortly after. It was said in the family their bond was so strong they couldn't be apart, so she came and got him. 

I think it was the search for my grandmothers, both my maternal whom I had never met, and my paternal whom had just died, and my mother, who had died some years back, that lead me on this search for the Korean grannies. I was thinking about the significance of the presence of our elders in our lives, especially our grandmothers, and how it will impact me and my girls that they are not around to guide us... The matrilineal commune is very important I have come to realize, and I mourn the loss of mine. But sometimes, just sometimes, I hear my mother talk to me... amid a murmur of ocean waves.

Photo 1 Haenyeo from Jeju Island

Photo 2 Babushki in Kriatchkivka (photo by Akiko Hiroshima)

Photo 3 Babushki in Svaitsevitchy (photo by Akiko Hiroshima)

a grain of sand

Hello,

I think the worst of my fury has subsided... I feel calmer now, after a couple of days of being very upset at the lack of anti-discriminatory thinking in my home country and here. I wrote it out of me.
Please help yourself to a nice glass of Pinot Noir and have a seat on my blanket. Look, I brought the beach! 


This will be a short one.


These beautiful things are grains of sand. Each grain is unique. It's you and me. It's our mothers and fathers. It's our kids. It's all of us. Together. 
We make a beautiful and lovely substance. We make sand. 


I had to write this. I know I write in platitudes and cliches right now, but I don't really care... 

I'm going with the flow. What will be, will be. Que sera, sera. ;-)

Rise above it. Love yourself.

To my Swedish peeps:

I am still fired up because this whole affair boggles my mind so profoundly that I cannot stop thinking about it. You will have to deal with my rants for a little bit longer... :)


What do you think would have happened if a young person committed suicide because of daily racist taunts in Sweden? Do you think there would have been any charges filed against his/her perpetrators? 

Do you think the perpetrators would be able to get away with claiming: I didn't know it wasn't OK to call someone names. I didn't mean anything bad when I said "chink", "China-man", when I asked "are you from China" every day, when I beat you, and humiliated you. I just thought it was OK to call someone "slant eyes", since the Asians really do have slanted eyes. But I am not a racist, I am just stating the obvious, aren't I?

Would they have gotten away with such excuses? And if so, what can be done to change the policies in Sweden? How do we get rid of the kind of environment that ALLOWS such behavior?

Precisely his happened to a young US soldier named Danny Chen from New York City, in October in Kandahar, Afghanistan. Private Chen was 19 years old when he allegedly committed suicide in a Watch Tower on his base after a full day of physical abuse and otherwise daily racial taunts from his fellow soldiers and superiors. You can view an explanatory news segment from 'Democracy Now!' here about the continuing pressure the Chen family puts on the investigation. My heart bleeds for Private Chen and his family. 

The other day I read an article by Kristina Lindquist in Expressen. She urges Sweden to call racism by it's proper name, namely racism. No more excuses, no more explanations, no more playing dumb. 

Kristinas article lead me to  Asian-Swedish writer Patrik Lundbergs article from last year "Ni sliter själen ur mig" (You tear my soul out of me), in which he tells of the weekly racial taunts, slurs and mishaps he has to endure. Reading Mr. Lundberg's writing cut into my heart.

How do we educate people about Sweden's past as one of the foremost countries in RACE BIOLOGY, including the opening of the world's first state sponsored Race Biological Institute (listen to P3 radio podcast here) in the early 1900's? How to we tell people that EUGENICS (improving the genetic composition of a population) was big in Sweden, and that Sweden was flirting with the Nazis' ideas on "racial hygene" before the WWII. 

We cannot be allowed to hide behind such lame statements like: We are not racists because we don't have the same history as the United States, we didn't have slavery, my ancestors didn't do anything or oppress anybody, why am I to blame for the slavery and oppression of other people in other countries... etc. Look at your history, know your history. I know mine.

Well, because I am ALL that I am because I am mixed-race Asian (Swedish-Korean), you are also ALL that you are because you are White, which means you are a representative of a race that has historically claimed supremacy and world domination over all other peoples, cultures and races time and time again. That means that your history of White Supremacy, oppression, occupation and colonization of a large portion of the world's population, Euro-centricism, genocide of peoples, cultures and languages other than the dominant one etc., is yours to bear. 

I have my own history which I carry. Now you carry yours. 

Suck it up. Deal with it. Learn from it. Become a better person. Rise above. Love yourself. 

But whatever you do: don't blame everyone else for not being able to live your old ways. Don't tell me: what about when they call me "svenne", when I feel like a minority in my own country, when I get called short, fat, thin, tall, ugly, blind...?

Are you kidding me?

Don't give excuses, don't act like a colonialist, don't think like one. Just live a better, kinder, more thoughtful and loving existence with your fellow human beings. I will do the same. That's all. We must love better. 

Love better.

JUST LOVE.

LOVE.

  

Dear, beloved Racist

Hello my dears ~~ no need to pour the wine for me. It's a little early in the day, plus I've been home sick for three days straight, with a sneezy, runny nose and a itchy, sore throat. Best to not indulge quite yet. ;) But I hope you brought some live ladybugs - I love the little critters - and we can start decorating the meadow scene for our picnic spot, right next to the Christmas tree. Hehe... 

I am a little fired up today! My friend, Michelle (who has two beautiful mixed race kids as well), posted an excellent and astute article from a Swedish newspaper on her facebook page this morning. Michelle's been arguing for a long time to not use the derogatory n-word in Sweden, and was instrumental in contacting a record label company in Sweden to try remove the derogatory n-word from a classic, beloved children's song CD (copyrighted 1994) called "Nu ska vi sjunga". 
Here is Kristina Lindquists article in Swedish newspaper 'Expressen' on Jan 6, 2011. It's in Swedish, so for you, dear reader of the English language, I will sum it up: the writer talks about incidents in Sweden during 2011 in which blatant racism was responded to by some people as 'not racism'. The writer calls for Swedes to call it by its right name: racism. Don't use the n-word and then in the same breath say "I didn't mean it in a bad way", or say that it's OK to call someone a 'negro' because it only means 'black' in latin. "Negro is just a color description, nothing else". Huh!!?? Seriously!!!! 

Among other unbelievable things, there was an incident at the University of Lund, where at a party with a "jungle theme", they dressed up as african slaves at an auction complete with blackface and all. Disgusting incidents happen here in the US too, but I think a huge difference between the two countries is that people dare to, and will, make a HUGE STINK about it here in the United States. Things will go viral within hours, people band together in the thousands, raise their voices, demand an apology, demand someone to take responsibility immediately, here. In Sweden one lone black man, my hero if you ask me, was horrified by what he saw that night in Lund and called the police. He was harassed at his workplace with banners plastered all over, reading "Our african slave has run away". According to the above article the Vice-Chancellor of University of Lund said he didn't think anyone had had racist intentions. 

Oh Em Gee!

But that's just it. Everywhere you turn in Sweden, nobody has supposedly any racist intentions, but I hear the most crazy things come out of people's mouths. When millions of people in an uber-standarized, modern, intelligent country in Europe with otherwise great politics in feminism and equality, cannot understand the consequences of using highly derogatory phrases and words, where have you all been the last several decades?? How can you be so thick-skinned that you cannot understand that when you use a bigoted phrase or word to describe someone, it is hurtful? 

There is weird disconnect between a stubbornness to want to keep using old, hurtful phrases, and the hurtful consequences of such usage. There is a disconnect between the individual thinking that "it's my rights" and a feeling of belonging with a larger commune, with each other, a feeling of empathy. There is a "us" and "them". 

Racism lives everywhere. To counter the slave-auction incident in Sweden, there was the self taped video of a UCLA student (March 2011) who went on a rampage against Asians in this little video clip called Asians in the Library. The University spokesperson thought of her actions as "repugnant", and the female student was asked to give a public apology, which she did. The university's Chancellor, Gene Block, said "I believe that a speech that expresses intolerance toward any group of people is indefensible and has no place at UCLA". I am not certain if further actions were taken to reprimand her, but at least she learnt something, hopefully, and will think twice about saying offensive things (or am I too hopeful?). 

I think Sweden could do with a little more individual accountability on the racism front. You should not be able to hide behind such absurdities as: just because I use the n-word it doesn't mean I'm racist. Because, you know what? Guess what? It does! 

Another absurdity I have been hearing for a while is the fight to be able to call a Swedish sweet treat N-balls (I can't even write the whole name out...). Despite repeatedly arguing that it is wrong, it is hurtful, it is racist, it is derogatory, it is bigoted... etc etc, some Swedes still feel they "have the right to call it what I want". Ok, you have the right to call it whatever you want, but then don't tell me you're not a bigot! Don't tell me you don't mean any harm, because HARM is exactly what you do!!! 

But even if you don't understand this at the moment, I still love you - you will understand in time.

We need people in schools and at home that teach our children what's what. We need politicians to grow some balls (or as Betty White allegedly have said: grow a vagina!) so they can take a stand and say that certain behavior is unacceptable. A university Chancellor in Sweden should grow some/a ____ (left intentionally blank, you can fill in your own genital preference) and take a stand and say to the student body: this behavior is absolutely unacceptable. 

My dear and beloved grandmother - may her soul rest in peace - used to say infuratingly racist remarks. Not about me. She loved me. She adored me. I will love her forever and always. I used to tell her that when she makes comments about other people of color, she inadvertently ropes me in. I am hurt because I am a person of color. I cannot listen to someone badmouthing one group of people without taking offense, and feeling hurt, because I am that person... because I am you... 

I forgive her. I love her. 

But you know what, the hurt still lingers...