the picnic hour

Hi. Come on over and sit on my blanket for a while. I've found a nice spot under this shady, big tree. 

I love picnics. I love them. I just can't have enough of picnics during summer. My little one's birthday is in the summer, and apart from the fact that it's hard to have a party in the house and you want to take advantage of the fact that you can be out of doors and run the kids tired, it's also one of my favorite events: little one's birthday picnic. Yesterday me and my kids had a picnic with a friend and her child in the Botanic Garden. As the sun was setting behind the treetops, we chatted, ate and had some wine, while the kids ran in the sprinklers and got completely soaked and caught fireflies in the dusky twilight hour. Aaaaaaahhhhhhh...... heaven. 

It is my sincere hope that my kids will remember these moments more vividly than the crappy moments when either A) I am a bad mom and lose my patience with them, or B) they have to trudge through the mucky, yucky, sticky, wicky divorce stuffs that's been on their minds for 2 1/2 years. 

It is my wish that these types of playful memories will stir their little  hearts when they resurface in later years, that they too will go: "Aaaaaaaaahhhhh.... heaven", when they recall an evening, a sunset, a friend, a firefly, a sprinkler, a laughter.

I know that my current situation - the mucky, yucky, sticky, wicky divorce stuffs - is having an impact on them. I know it. I see it. I hear it. Their dad is in denial, I think. It seems to me he's in denial about a lot of stuff. Sometimes I try to talk about it, to relay the kids' feelings, but it seems he doesn't want to hear or maybe it just doesn't penetrate his sphere fully. I'm not sure which...? 

The kids are asked to deal with a lot of new stuffs. New half-siblings and a new potential "stepmom" and dad moving in with someone new - all in one go. None of it they asked for; all of it only to satisfy the adult players in this game. 

Sometimes they get angry with me and their dad. I get their verbal lashings, I experience their tempest. I hear their disappointments and their frustrations. I see their tears and their fears. I tell them "it's not your fault", "mommy and daddy still love you so much". I tell them "mommy and daddy will never go away from you, we will always be yours". But they scream, they cry, they tell me how they really feel and believe me, they don't mince words! While tears stream down their little cheeks and darkness gathers in their eyes, they tell me of their fears: "You and daddy are never going to be together again". It breaks my heart to know that they have experienced so much heartbreak in their young years, but all I can do is snuggle up real close to their little beings, nod my head and say "yes, you're right sweetness" while I add quietly in my head "mommy and daddy don't want to be together ever again, and mommy has to exercise a whole lotta patience right now to remain friends with your father". 

I love picnics. Right now they represent an oasis of calm in big city living, a respite from stress, and hope that good memories will stay in my children's hearts and win over the bad memories. Picnics are my slice of heaven... Pizza too actually... oh, and standing in the fridge door with an open jar of Kimchi... and come to think of it, a shower at the end of a sweaty day is pretty heavenly. (But I couldn't make this blog space into a pretend shower - that would be weird, and people might get the wrong idea.)   :)

This was fun and I'm glad you popped on over. Thank you for the visit. Come back again and don't forget your picnic basket and if you happen to have a set of speakers with birdsong bring those too.